


Family Matters

by ashtraythief



Series: Underneath 'verse [10]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mob, Alternative Universe - FBI, Dubious Morality, Homophobic Language, M/M, Underage Drinking, Undercover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-25 11:45:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13833591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashtraythief/pseuds/ashtraythief
Summary: Jensen goes on vacation with his family. It doesn't go exactly as planned.





	Family Matters

**Author's Note:**

> Underneath It All universe: timestamp and part 3 in what I’ve come to call The Rabbit Hole Trilogy, i.e. Jensen’s descent into the madness. It takes place right after Rock Bottom in which Jensen is confronted with Jared's dark side, Jared and Jensen fight, and Jensen decides he needs to go on vacation with his family. (If you haven’t reread the verse since I edited it, I renamed Jensen’s family and slightly tweaked his relationship with his parents. For more info you can see the last chapter of the original story, Underneath It All.) Apologies for taking so long with this one, but I think it’s better now that I got all the previous stuff out of the way.  
> Still a ways away from The End.
> 
> Many, many thanks to keep_waking_up for brainstorming and handholding and to ilikaicalie for the wonderful betawork she keeps doing for this series!

 

Australia was hot and big. That was the only impression Jensen really got as he spent a day hurrying through Sydney, taking as many pictures as he could. Then he took a three-day trip out into the Blue Mountains and went on a climbing tour.

His perception of Australia changed to that of a gentle giant, a vast, sprawled-out land with rugged mountainsides, dense trees, and the ever-misty blue line of the horizon farther away than anywhere he’d ever seen. The birds sounded foreign and the air smelled different, carrying the faint aroma of eucalyptus and sandy heat. Even the wind rustled the trees in an unfamiliar melody.

The Australian winter wasn’t the best time to go rock climbing, because the chilling temperatures forced climbers to stick to sunny days and avoid routes in the shade. On the upside, it meant less people. They were at Mr. Wall, one of the best spots for climbing and they’d taken one of the easier routes up today.

Sitting on an outcrop after he’d climbed the steep sandstone wall of the route aptly titled _Some Kind Of Bliss,_ the cool wind blowing through his hair and cooling the sweat beading on his neck, Jensen felt calm. His pulse was slowly coming down from the rush of the climb and the contentment he’d always felt after a challenge settled deep into his bones.

He hadn’t done anything like this in years and he promised himself that he’d manage to drag Jared on an outdoor vacation. Jared was a physical guy, he’d like it. If he would just let loose enough.

“Deep in thought?” Emma asked.

She was the tour guide of their little group, a woman made up entirely of sinew and muscles under sun-baked skin.

“Just missed this,” Jensen said. “The nature, the exertion, the thrill.”

Emma barked out a delighted laugh. “I know, right? But why haven’t you done it in a while then?”

“My boyfriend is into a different kind of vacation.”

Emma raised her eyebrows. “Well, you’re here now.”

Jensen nodded and looked out over the valley stretching out before them. “Yeah. And trust me, the next trip we go on together, there better be some mountains.”

Emma laughed again. “You tell him, mate.”

Jensen boarded a plane for Hawaii when he got back from his climbing trip. Johnny came to collect him from the airport. Seeing Johnny was like a punch to the gut. Jensen hadn’t seen his brother in over a year. His hair was styled differently, a little shorter at the sides, and Jensen thought he could see the beginning of a silver shadow in his dark blond hair.

Johnny pulled him into a long hug. “Good to see you, Jensen.”

“You too.”

“Come on, everyone’s dying to see you again,” Johnny said and took Jensen’s suitcase.

Jensen took his backpack and together they walked out of the airport.

 

 

Seeing his family again was almost too much. Cat was in college and had just finished her first year. She was full of stories about classes, parties, and new friends.

His mom couldn’t stop touching him and asking how he was doing.

His father was quiet but he watched him attentively, and Jensen wasn't sure if it was because he was happy or if he was looking for something.

At dinner the first evening, when they all sat together in the hotel’s cozy restaurant, Tamara and Johnny announced that they were going to have another baby. It was still early, as Tamara had just finished the first trimester, but Leia—who was an adorable one-year-old—would get a sister or brother.

Jensen was happy for them. He hugged both his brother and Tamara, and took his mom’s hand and squeezed while she stood beaming, eyes shining in happiness. They all toasted to the new addition to the Ackles family, and then Johnny declared they also should toast that Cat had finished her first year in college with a GPA of 3.8. Jensen’s parents were so pleased they didn’t even protest when Johnny poured a sip of his wine in Tamara’s empty glass and gave it to Cat. Jensen smiled and toasted with his family, but there was no story he could tell. He couldn’t share anything with them about his life, so he was quiet. He caught his mother starting to ask questions but cutting herself off or redirecting them at Johnny or Cat.

Jensen was watching and listening to his family being happy and he couldn’t be part of it. He wouldn’t be there for the birth of his niece or nephew and he couldn’t go visit Cat at college. He wouldn’t be home for the Thanksgiving dinner they were already planning because his mom was determined to have Johnny and Tamara over which meant they also had to invite Tamara’s family. His mom ran a tally of all the chairs in the house but came up short because she included Jensen in the headcount.

His father shot him an inquisitive look and Jensen gave an almost imperceptible shake of his head. He didn’t think it would be over by Thanksgiving.

“I don’t think we can count Jensen in, Susan,” his father said quietly.

His mom abruptly stopped, then pressed her mouth together and blinked a few times. “Oh, right. Well, you never know right.” Her smile was too bright. “Just imagine, we don’t have a chair for Jensen and then he comes home!”

“Then I’d sit on the couch,” Jensen said.

His mother made a scandalized noise but Cat grinned. “Yes! Kids’ table at the couch.”

“You two.” Mom shook her head fondly but she started looking sad.

Tamara apparently picked up on it so she jumped in and started talking about how she might only need one chair but definitely a plate for two because this pregnancy was leaving her ravenous.

The conversation turned back to children and grandchildren, and his mom was smiling happily again.

“Well, since Jensen won’t go down the parent road it’s good you’re having more than one,” Cat joked at some point and the table fell painfully silent.

Cat realized what she’d done and bit her lip. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay, honey,” their mom said. “And I mean, same-sex marriage is legal in a few states now, so you could adopt if you wanted to, right, Jensen?”

“It’s not really something that would work with my life,” Jensen said.

“Well, you won’t do this forever,” his mom said briskly.

Another awkward silence settled over the table.

His father finally broke it. “Susan, Jensen is—”

“I have dogs now,” Jensen blurted out because he did not want to hear what his father thought he was. All eyes turned to him.

“Two,” Jensen said. “Big softies, both of them, and cuddle monsters too.”

“I always thought you were more of a cat person,” Tamara said, eyeing him critically. She’d always had good intuition for derailing family drama.

Jensen laughed and went with it. “I think I am but I’d have to find a way to get it past—” Jensen stopped, not sure how to say that he was actually living with someone without giving his parents a heart attack.

“You know, I saw this adopt-a-pet drive last week,” Johnny jumped in. “Mom, didn’t you guys want a dog now that all of us have moved out?”

That led the conversation into a discussion on different dog breeds and which one would be suitable for their parents but their father kept scrutinizing Jensen. Shit. If he’d caught on, Jensen wouldn’t be able to avoid giving an explanation.

 

After dinner, Johnny and Tamara excused themselves and Cat disappeared to call a college friend. Their mom claimed tired feet, leaving Jensen and his father alone at the table. Jensen didn’t miss the long look his mom shot his father.

“Beer?” his father asked and gestured to the restaurant’s bar.

Wordlessly, Jensen nodded. Who knew, maybe he’d get lucky and his father wouldn’t push for a confrontation one day into their vacation.

“So,” his father said when they’d sat down at the bar and ordered two beers. “Dogs. They don’t happen to belong to the person you live with by any chance?”

Jensen took a sip of his beer. “You know I can’t talk about that.”

It was confirmation enough but would hopefully save him from further interrogation. His father usually didn’t ask Jensen about his assignments because he knew they were classified.

“Then tell me this,” his father said, speaking slowly and quietly. “Your mother said before you went undercover you told her you’re uniquely qualified for this assignment. Does this have anything to do with your... preferences?”

“Of course you’d go there,” Jensen muttered, nevermind that his father was right. That was not the point. “Couldn’t be anything else, right?”

His father shot him a sharp look. “Of course it could. But you’re living with someone who has dogs. Since I assume you’re not stupid enough to start a relationship in the middle of an assignment I have to assume that it's pertinent to your cover.”

Jensen took another long pull of his beer. “I really can’t talk about it.”

“Fucking Feds,” his father spat out. “To ask you to do something like that. Jensen, you know they can’t force you, right?”

Jensen raised his eyebrow sardonically. “Don't you think I know that? But it’s not that bad. I’ve had worse cover IDs.”

Jensen remembered the human trafficker in Miami he had to cozy up to and the group of right wing militia nuts the year before that.

“Damn Feds,” his father gritted out.

“It’s not like the police are any better.” The words slipped out unbidden, as if now that Jensen was back with his family, all his guards had fallen down. But then his father’s hypocrisy when it came to their different law enforcement agencies had always annoyed him.

“Excuse me?”

Jensen made a throwaway hand motion. “It’s not like you don’t send people in undercover too, or make deals with criminals.”

“CIs are—” his father started and Jensen couldn’t keep the snort in. Derailing the conversation as always.

“I’m not talking about a few poor souls feeding you information,” Jensen said. “I’m talking about letting monsters walk to get to someone higher up the chain, about ignoring justice to bolster your career.”

“What exactly are you saying, Jensen?” His father’s voice was very calm.

“I’m saying that the whole fucking system is flawed and no one gets to sit on a high horse.” Jensen huffed out a breath. “I thought you’d get that, seeing how you’re always harping on me about questionable FBI standards.”

His father fixed him with a stern look. “I have a hard time recognizing the son I raised right now.”

“And who’s that? Cause I’m pretty sure you have no idea,” Jensen said bitterly.

“Jensen—”

“No. Let’s not pretend that you ever really knew me.” Jensen had never sought out this conversation with his father but it had been coming for a while. And he was fed up with taking bullshit he didn’t need to. “You were only interested in me as long as I did the things you were interested in. When I played baseball. When I got good grades in school. When I did well on the shooting range. But you never once came to any of my plays in high school. You didn’t come visit me in college.” Jensen had swallowed the bitterness then. But he was done doing it now. “And after I told you I was gay, we never once had a conversation about that either.”

“What was there to talk about?” His father’s voice was flat, like he had to force himself to be calm, like he always did when the topic came up. He tried to accept it but it still made him uncomfortable. “You told me. I knew.”

Jensen huffed out a harsh breath. “Oh my god, I don’t know. Maybe about how it was hard for me in school to pretend I was into girls so no one would pick on the queer kid? How I was scared when I went into law enforcement that I’d have to hide it or no one would take me seriously? How you always asked Johnny about his love life but never me?”

“I always told you I’d support you no matter what.”

“Yeah,” Jensen said. “Because there was a ‘what’.”

His father shook his head. “I don’t know what's gotten into you on this assignment but I have half a mind to call your supervisor and have him pull you out.”

“Don’t you dare,” Jensen hissed. “This is my life, and my choice.”

“Jensen, you’re not behaving like yourself.”

“What if I am?” Jensen asked.

His father gave him a hard look. “Then I really don’t know the son I raised.”

Jensen nodded and turned back to the bottle. “Yeah, neither do I.”

It was true. He knew who he was supposed to be, but he didn’t know who he’d been before. Jensen Ackles? With Campbell dormant beneath the surface? Or had he always been Campbell, hiding behind the Ackles facade?

Softly, his father put a hand on his shoulder. “Son…”

And just like that, Jensen deflated. No matter the differences, no matter how shitty his father had been about Jensen’s sexuality, about Jensen’s life choices, he was still Jensen’s dad. He was still the man who’d taught him how to ride a bike, how to shoot. He was still the man who'd carried Jensen on his shoulders, way back on their first Hawaii vacation when he was little and had gotten so tired walking in the soft sand on the beach.

“Undercover, you become who you need to be,” Jensen said and his voice sounded hollow in his own ears. “What if I can’t go back?”

“Your mother and I will always be here for you to help you find your way back. Maybe when this assignment is over you should come home.”

“Home?”

“Home,” his father said with emphasis. “Leave the FBI, come back to Texas. There’s always work for someone with your qualifications in the Dallas PD. And Pastor Jim would be more than happy to talk to you.”

Right. Pastor Jim. Church would heal him. And just like that, the moment was over.

Jensen hid his snort in the bottle. The only times he’d gone to church after he left for college were when he was home for Christmas. He wouldn’t find salvation there. But for the sake of the vacation he just hummed noncommittally and finished his bottle in silence.

 

At breakfast, Jensen’s father was his usual quiet and pleasant self, no hint of their conversation last night. He’d always been good at pretending his and Jensen’s fights didn't happen. Jensen ignored the familiar sting and made plans with Johnny for a day trip. They would go mountain biking in the hills. Cat just scrunched up her nose and Tamara begged off because slight morning sickness had finally caught up with her and she preferred to take it easy.

So Jensen and Johnny chased down the dirt paths and Jensen wiped the floor with Johnny in every race.

“You’ve gotten slow, man.”

Johnny eyed him with something like worry. “No, I haven’t. But you’ve gone insane.”

Jensen just laughed him off.

 

After dinner, Cat begged Jensen to go out for ice cream with her and Jensen agreed. They walked through the tiny town and at one of the touristy street stands, he bought Cat a _Purrasic Park_ shirt with a cat head in place of the t-rex silhouette.

“Get it?” Jensen asked and waggled his eyebrows. “Because you pretend you’re all rawr but you’re really super cuddly.”

Cat rolled her eyes and retaliated by getting him a t-shirt with a rainbow-pooping unicorn. “I don't think this needs an explanation.”

Jensen just grinned and put it on.

“Ready to go home?”

“We could do that. Or, we could also go have a beer,” Cat said with a sly smile.

Jensen raised his eyebrows. “Last time I checked you’re still a few years short of twenty-one.”

“Oh come on, as if you weren’t drinking at my age. And we deserve a night out without the parents.”

And well, Cat was right. Besides, one beer couldn’t hurt. It wasn’t like Cat wasn’t allowed a tiny glass on big family holidays anyway. So they went to a little place down the road, and Jensen got them drinks from the bar.

Cat told him all the college stories their parents didn’t get to hear and Jensen was pleased that Cat enjoyed college but wasn’t being stupid about it. She went out to party, but she still took her classes seriously.

After their second drink—Cat had begged for a swimming pool and Jensen was drinking something called a zombie that packed one hell of a punch—she started needling him for stories from his assignment, no names and places of course, just please, Jensen, something? And Jensen thought he’d have to cut her off soon but he still told her about the time Chad had tried to impress a girl by breaking into the zoo in the middle of the night and they’d ended up in the petting zoo where Chad got run over by a goat.

Cat laughed, they had another drink, and Jensen told her how Jared regularly bribed the owner of the frozen yogurt store with ridiculous sums of money just so Jensen got his midnight fix. Not that Jared would need to pay that much but he was a giant softy at heart.

He told Cat about the raspberries they’d planted in the garden, about Harley’s antics—he could get so jealous of Sadie but instead of getting angry, he had the worst pouting routine which included shuffling his giant body under the chair in the corner—about that one fantasy series he’d stumbled across that Cat would love and about the bike Jared had given to him.

“But,” Cat said slowly, “he’s a criminal, isn’t he? Your boyfriend?”

That brought Jensen up short. Shit. He hadn’t meant to reveal so much. Being with his family fucked him up worse than he’d thought. “Yeah, he is,” he admitted reluctantly.

Cat scrutinized him with her green eyes. “So what, he’s not a bad guy?”

Jensen tried to think how to answer this. “Not every criminal is a bad person and not every bad person is a criminal. He might break the law but he’s not a bad man.”

“Then why does he do it?” Cat asked.

“He was born into it,” Jensen said because that was the easy answer. “He didn’t grow up thinking the police are there to protect and serve.”

She pursed her lips. “But if you tell him the truth, do you think he would quit for you? He could go into witness protection or something, right?”

Jensen couldn’t help but laugh. The thought of Jared making a deal with the police was just too absurd.

“I’m sorry,” Jensen said when he saw Cat’s stormy expression. “I’m not laughing at you. It’s just never going to happen.”

“But how else are you going to be together then?”

The question felt like a punch right in the solar plexus.

“We’re not,” Jensen said. He knew this. He’d always known this. His assignment would end with Jared in jail or Jensen dead, there really wasn’t any other option.

“But,” Cat sputtered. “You can’t just give up like that.”

“There’s nothing to give up.”

“Yes, there is. You’ve never talked about a guy like you just talked about him,” Cat said with conviction. “You really love this guy. Your eyes were doing the whole crinkly thing.” She waved impatiently at his face. “And I bet he loves you too. So why won’t you at least try to convince him?”

For a moment, Jensen couldn’t help but think about it. For the FBI to make a deal with Jared, Jared would have to give up everything. His entire empire, all of his business contacts. And the FBI would do it too. Jared could give them enough to lock up half of the Chicago underworld. But Jared wouldn’t. He crossed lines, yes, but only for his family. Maybe, if his people got immunity too, if Chad, Gen, Misha, and Rosey got to walk—

Jensen shook his head and forced himself to stop thinking about it. “He won’t do it. And he’ll never forgive me if he finds out I’ve been lying to him.”

Cat gnawed on her bottom lip, deep in thought. “You never know until you try,” she said.

Jensen huffed, wanting to tell her that his life was not a Hallmark movie, but then his phone rang. He’d talked to Jared the first night in Sydney and told him reception might be wonky out in the Australian outback, but now that the call was coming through he couldn’t not answer.

Cat grinned at him. “You go answer that. I’m gonna go make friends.”

Jensen saw her pointing at a guy down the bar who was smiling at her with big hopeful eyes. Jensen rolled his eyes. “Don’t break any hearts.”

She just laughed and walked away. Jensen went outside and answered his phone.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Jared’s voice was warm and calm over the line. “You've got reception.”

“Yeah, we’re staying in this little town. They even have a bar,” Jensen said because there was no way Jared wouldn’t hear the noise in the background.

“So how’s it going?” Jared asked.

Jensen forced himself to grin so Jared would hear a smile in his voice. “Awesome. Next time we go on vacation, I’m taking you rock climbing. You’ll love it, I promise.”

Jared snorted. “We’ll see about that.”

“Why have all those muscles if you don’t use them?”

“I use them plenty, sweetheart. If you come home, I’ll show you exactly how.”

Jensen laughed. “I’ll hold you to that. Now tell me how things are going back home.”

Jared was quiet for a moment, then he started telling Jensen about Chad's newest antics and how the dogs were running around the house, lost and confused, looking for Jensen and the cuddle sessions he so freely gave out.

He didn’t mention why Jensen was here, how Jared had basically sent him away after their fight about Jared killing an innocent man to protect Misha weeks ago. Even though Campbell had only reluctantly admitted that his morals weren’t any more pure than Jared’s, it had been enough. Jensen actually thought that their relationship was calmer now, that Jared was milder—more assured in Jensen’s commitment maybe. Jensen was loathe to admit how much he liked it, but after not talking to Jared for several days he couldn’t deny the warm, satisfied feeling hearing Jared’s voice gave him. But he couldn’t think about that now because he had a family vacation to navigate.

They hung up after ten minutes. Jared wasn’t chatty on the phone and Jensen didn’t want to leave Cat alone for too long.

When he searched for her inside he found her at the bar, with a different guy than he’d seen her talking to before. Jensen debated giving her some room but then he saw how the guy was reaching for her and how Cat was leaning back, a decidedly displeased shape to her mouth.

Fuck no. Slowly Jensen made his way through the mass of people just getting up from a large table.

“I said, I’m not interested.” Cat’s voice was steel-sharp and loud enough to hear for Jensen from several feet away. Anyone who knew her would take a step back.

The guy didn’t take her seriously, probably never took any woman seriously by the looks of it, and just leaned in when Cat’s whole body language screamed _stay away_.

“C’mon, baby, I bought you a drink.”

“Yeah, and then you turned out to be a gigantic asshole,” Cat shot back, “so now I’m telling you to fuck off.”

The guy sneered. “Don’t be such a bitch.”

That was the moment Jensen reached them.

“You have five seconds to apologize to my sister and then haul ass out of here, or I’m gonna mop the floor with your tongue.”

“Jensen, I can handle this,” Cat hissed.

And while Jensen didn’t doubt that Cat could decimate this guy in a verbal sparring match, he knew this type of guy. Drunk, overconfident, and misogynistic. If Cat continued to fire back, the asshole would get physical in the next minute. Cat might be tough and know some defensive moves, but the guy was about a head taller than her and worked out.

The guy turned to look at Jensen. His first instinct was clearly to recoil at the brotherly claim, but when he assessed Jensen, he gave him a patronizing smile.

The guy had maybe an inch or two on Jensen and probably about thirty pounds of muscle. But the guy was all show. Jensen wouldn’t have any trouble with him. He knew fighting the guy wasn’t smart, but god, he wanted to punch him in his smug face for talking to Cat like that.

“Yeah, _Jensen_ , we can handle this,” the asshole said with a smirk.

Jensen put a hand on Cat’s shoulder and squeezed. “Cat, I know you can defend yourself, but I’m not gonna watch this guy put a hand on you.”

The guy’s eyes traveled up and down Jensen’s shirt. “And what are you gonna do about that, Jenny?”

The shirt. Jensen had forgotten he was still wearing the rainbow unicorn shirt Cat had bought him.

Asshole turned to Cat. “You really gonna let that fag—”

Jensen punched Asshole in the face. Asshole reeled back, arms rowing the air as he tried to keep his balance. In the background, Jensen saw patrons in the bar hurry outside or line the walls in anticipation of a fight, while two similarly beefy guys stood up and walked towards them. One of them was wearing a shirt with a bottle of beer printed on it, the other one had a tattoo peeking out from his shirt collar, a crudely done dark blue cobweb. Prison tat then. Jensen cracked his neck.

“Cat, get behind the bar.”

“Jensen…”

“Now!”

He gave her a hard look, and Cat looked at the guys walking towards them, at Asshole righting himself with a hand pressed to his bleeding nose, and she hopped up on the bar and slid down the other side.

Jensen half-raised his hands, pointed his index fingers at the approaching men and addressed Asshole’s friends.

“Your buddy here harassed my sister. He deserves that nose and then some.”

Prison Tat stopped, looking hesitantly at Asshole. Beer Bottle Shirt was too wasted to care.

“I don’t give a fuck what my friend did to that chick, but you don’t get to hit him and walk away,” Beer Bottle Shirt slurred. Lost cause then.

Jensen shot Prison Tat another hard look. “Your buddy didn’t take no for an answer. Someone needs to teach him a lesson.”

Prison Tat raised his hands and took a step back. Jensen didn’t know if the guy actually agreed with him or if he’d acquired that sixth sense about danger that so many cons picked up in prison. Either way, Jensen didn’t care.

He focused back on Asshole and Beer Bottle Shirt. He’d enjoy teaching these guys a lesson. His lips stretched in something like a smile and then Beer Bottle Shirt charged at him. Jensen ducked his arms, turned, and hit him in the back, straight in the kidneys. Beer Bottle Shirt groaned but Jensen was already twisting around, jumping back to evade Asshole, and landing a punch to his face.

Beer Bottle Shirt came for him again, and this time, he just ran into Jensen, ramming him back-first into the bar. The wood dug painfully into Jensen’s spine and the force of the impact shook his body. Oh, that was it. He was going to fucking destroy these guys.

With an elbow to the neck, he got Beer Bottle Shirt to stumble back. Jensen didn’t give him time to catch his breath, just followed up with a punch to his cheek that threw his head back and then he hit Beer Bottle Shirt in his exposed stomach, right in the solar plexus. Beer Bottle Shirt fell to the ground with a groan.

Asshole came at Jensen with a bar stool. Jensen jumped out of the way, grabbed the leg of the stool, and pulled, careening Asshole forward. When Asshole stumbled past, Jensen kicked his legs out under him and watched him crash to the ground.

With a quick look over his shoulder, Jensen assured himself that Beer Bottle Shirt was still on the ground—he was—and gripped Asshole by the collar of his shirt, pulling him up. Asshole blinked up at him blearily.

“Next time a woman says no, you take her word for it, got it?”

Asshole was too out of it to do more than nod. Disgusted, Jensen let him fall back onto the ground.

He looked to the bar to check on Cat, who was looking at him with shining eyes.

“Oh my god, that was awesome!” she said.

“Come on, let’s get out of here.” It was never smart to stick around after a fight, but Jensen couldn’t help but grin at her.

  


They stole their way back to their hotel and Jensen made Cat swear not to mention this to their parents.

“But you totally kicked his ass!” Cat protested.

“After I let you have drinks. In a bar.”

Cat opened her mouth, then realization hit. “Yeah, let’s not mention this to the parents.”

Jensen shook his head in agreement.

She hugged him, short and quick, her breath laced with alcohol. “We should do this more often. Hey, you could tell me where you're at; I could pretend to be an old friend or neighbor or something.”

“Yeah, I don’t think so, munchkin,” Jensen said and Cat painfully poked him in the side.

“Spoilsport.”

“Go to bed.”

She stuck her tongue out at him and danced off to her room. Fuck. Jensen really hoped she wouldn’t run into their parents.

 

The rest of the week passed in a mostly pleasant blur. Jensen stayed at the periphery of his family’s conversation during breakfast and dinner. He took day trips with Johnny and Cat, snorkeling and biking, and if they didn’t want to go, he went off hiking on his own. He babysat Leia when Johnny and Tamara wanted some quiet time alone and while he loved his little niece, it was nice that he could hand her back to her parents when she wouldn’t stop crying or needed a diaper change. In the evenings, he talked to Jared, making up stories about hiking with his sister in the Blue Mountains. He sent pictures too, the ones he’d taken during his three days out there. He’d even changed shirts up on the mountain so he could send Jared different pictures of himself.

He drew the line when Jared wanted dirty pictures. “I’m camping with my sister,” Jensen hissed, but he did take a close up of his face with his mouth slightly open that turned out reasonably well and got a pretty visceral reaction out of Jared. Jensen was glad he was in his hotel room and could jerk himself off when Jared told him in minute detail what he’d do with Jensen’s mouth when Jensen got back.

“You won’t take naked pictures of yourself but you’re jerking off with me on the phone?” Jared asked with dark amusement in his voice.

“There’s a difference between being buck-naked in the Australian outback—they have a lot of nasty critters out here, I’ll have you know—and shoving my hand down my pants. So there.”

“Alright. We’ll just have to make up for lost time when you get back.”

“Clear your schedule,” Jensen said. “We’re spending at least a day in bed.”

“Done."

 

Both his father and his brother kept watching him. His mother hovered, yes, and Cat needled him for more stories which Jensen refused—he’d already given away too much—but his father and his brother’s eyes followed him around, as if they were looking for something, waiting for him to do something. It drove Jensen mad. Never mind the fact that he slept like crap alone in the big hotel bed.

The last evening Jensen was on the island, his brother dragged him off to the hotel bar after dinner and ordered two glasses of the good whiskey. Jensen had a feeling they were going to have a serious conversation and he wasn’t looking forward to it. So he kept his mouth shut and drank.

“Are you still with the guy?” Johnny asked after a long silence.

Jensen nodded.

“Any way to dump him without blowing the assignment or getting yourself killed?”

Jensen shot him a sharp look. “No.”

Johnny turned to look at him. “He’s not good for you.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You’re different.” Johnny gestured at him. “You’re harder. You’ve been on edge the whole time you’ve been here. And Cathy told me how you beat up a couple of guys in the bar.”

Dammit. “The asshole had his hands all over her, Johnny,” Jensen said through gritted teeth.

“Still doesn’t justify you beating him to a pulp.”

Jensen scoffed. “Cat’s exaggerating. And how else was he going to learn?”

“Not like that. There are laws—”

“Bullshit.” Jensen glared at his brother. “I can’t believe you’re defending that scumbag. You weren’t even there!”

Johnny leaned in, his eyes dark and stormy. “And I can’t believe you think violence is the answer. You’re an officer of the law, dammit, or have you forgotten?”

“No, I haven’t, but sometimes it’s not enough!”

Johnny pulled back like Jensen had slapped him in the face. Fuck.

Johnny took a deep breath. “Jensen, do you know what you’re saying here? You sound like a vigilante. Actually, you sound like this one mob enforcer I sent to prison for life.”

Jensen knew that. But he also knew that he was right. His brother just wouldn’t be able to understand.

“You can’t tell me you wouldn’t have defended Cat.”

“Don’t change the subject,” Johnny said. “You’re losing yourself. You’re becoming one of them. I think it’s time you end your assignment. Before you forget you’re actually an FBI agent. One of the good guys, you know.”

“Fuck you,” Jensen bit out and watched Johnny recoil. “I haven’t forgotten who I am, not for a second.”

It was a lie. Jensen realized it as soon as he said it. There were moments, hours, when he didn’t think of it. And there were whole days when he purposefully ignored it.

“Well, you sure as shit aren’t acting like it,” Johnny said darkly.

“I always change when I’m undercover,” Jensen said. “You know I always have character bleed.”

“Yeah, but this isn’t you ordering sprinkled drinks that barely pass for coffee or smoking that roll-your-own crap.”

After his first Jensen Campbell stint six years ago, Jensen had continued to order Campbell coffee for weeks and Johnny had teased him mercilessly for it. The smoking had been worse. It had taken Jensen a few weeks after his assignment with the white supremacists militia ended to quit and his mother had been decidedly unamused when he snuck out into the garden for a smoke and stubbed the cigarette out in her begonia patch.

Johnny looked at Jensen insistently. “This is different, Jensen. This is fucking serious.”

“Oh come on, you’re blowing this way out of proportion.”

“I’m not.” Johnny’s mouth set in a hard line. “You’re impulsive and you’re careless. The way you race down a mountain, you act like you’re invincible. And now you use violence to solve a problem? What the fuck, man?”

Jensen exhaled heavily and took another drink. “It’s—” Jensen stopped. He didn’t know what to say. What could he say?

But Johnny remained quiet, patiently waiting for Jensen to find an answer.

“It’s more intense, this time,” he finally settled on. “And it’s not just the guy. It’s the longest assignment I’ve ever been on. It was bound to be worse than usual.”

“Yeah, but Jensen, if you’re like this, here with us, what kind of risks are you taking out there?”

“Don’t worry, I’m well protected,” Jensen mumbled and emptied his glass. As if Jared would ever let something happen to him.

“And who protects you?” Johnny asked sharply. “Your boss? Your boyfriend?”

Shit, Jensen needed to stop talking about this.

“You know I can’t tell you.”

Johnny snorted. “Jensen, I’m fucking worried, okay? You're not yourself. Being this reckless? Picking fights with dad?”

“That one was a long time coming,” Jensen said, pointing his empty glass at Johnny.

“Yeah, but having it out on our family vacation? Jensen...”

“Just drop it, man, okay?” Jensen rubbed his face. He was fucking tired of this conversation. He signaled the bartender for another drink. “You know why I came out here? Why I risked my whole assignment to get some family time? So I could be myself. So I could stop hiding, could stop fucking lying. And if that means having it out with dad, so be it. Besides, it’s not like he didn’t deserve it.”

Johnny raised his hands. “Hey, you know I’m on your side here. But, if this is your true self, unfiltered, then you’ve changed, Jensen.”

The bartender still hadn’t shown up and Jensen was done waiting. He reached over the bar for the next bottle that looked appealing.

“Jensen—” his brother, hissed but Jensen ignored him and filled his glass.

Jensen turned to look at Johnny. “What if I was hiding my whole life? What if this is who I really am?”

Instead of protesting, Johnny drew back, eyeing Jensen thoughtfully. “You’ll always be my little brother,” he finally said.

“Thanks man,” Jensen said quietly, but he knew that Johnny couldn’t help him. He emptied his glass again and reached for the bottle.

“Don’t you think you had enough?” Johnny asked softly.

“No.”

For a while they sat in silence. Eventually, Johnny took the bottle and poured himself another drink too. “So, as your older brother I feel like I should ask more questions about that boyfriend of yours.”

“Cut it out, Johnny.”

“You know, right now you don’t sound like you’re too keen on getting him in jail.”

Jensen slammed his glass back down on the bar. “Fuck you. I’m doing my job, okay? I’ll get him behind bars, all of them. But am I not allowed a fucking bit of regret here?”

Slowly, Johnny nodded. “Yeah, you are. The world’s not black and white, you know.”

“Yeah, I know,” Jensen said and morosely looked into his glass. The fight had left him and he was just tired. Because it was true. He’d still do his job. He didn’t know why anymore, because Jared and his people were better than whatever group would fill the vacuum of power their downfall would inevitably leave but that would be another task force’s problem.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up into Johnny’s resigned face. “Come on, let’s get you to bed.”

Jensen emptied his glass and let Johnny drag him up to his room.

 

When he was standing in the bathroom in front of the sink, he remembered what Johnny had said.

_You’re different._

It was true. Like he had told his father, you became whoever you needed to be undercover. The problem was that if it weren’t for the FBI, Jensen wouldn’t mind. He’d have it all: the guy, the job, the friends, even the dogs.

Jensen stared into the mirror, searched for a glimmer of horror at this realization but there was none. He’d known this was true for a while now and he couldn’t bring himself to feel bad about it. All his life, he’d been looking for the next adventure, the next challenge. The life he had with Jared? He didn’t need to.

He didn’t know what he’d do when he had to give it up, didn't even know how, but he wasn’t going to think about that today. He wouldn’t think about it until the day came he had to make that choice. Until then, he’d just live his life.

He’d fallen down the rabbit hole and as long as he was here, he might as well go to the mad hatter’s for a tea.

After leaving Hawaii, Jensen had planned to spend another few days in Australia. He’d thought he would need time to get back into character, come down from his family time and settle back into Campbell. But instead of having to let go of his family, being away from them, he just fell back into Campbell. He ordered a tall non-fat double shot caramel macchiato for breakfast without thought, took pictures of silly signs for Chad, and sent Jared a random selfie of himself posing with a guy in a red kangaroo suit with the caption ‘wish you were here’. But even after just one day of exploring Sydney, he was getting antsy. He felt like he was waiting in limbo, just him and his thoughts. He wanted to get back to Jared.

Fuck it. There was no point in pretending. So Jensen drove out to the airport and booked himself a flight home two days earlier.

He called Willy as soon as the plane landed. “You busy?”

“Didn’t expect you back until the day after tomorrow,” Willy said with a hint of surprise in his voice.

“Yeah, well, surprise. And I’d like to keep it that way so how about you come get me without telling Jared about it.”

“You got it,” Willy said and Jensen thought he sounded pleased. Well, Jensen could totally see Willy as a closeted romantic.

Willy was waiting for him outside of the car. Together they put Jensen’s luggage in the trunk and then Jensen climbed into his familiar position in the back seat. On their way back to the house, Jensen told Willy about Australia. It had become a thing, Jensen getting in the car on the way back from the airport and Willy listening with a stoic face. But Jensen had a feeling Willy would miss it if he were quiet.

When they reached the house, Jensen reached into his pocket and threw Willy two little rectangular yellow plastic signs.

Willy eyed him in the mirror. “These are not fridge magnets.”

“Thought I’d switch it up,” Jensen said. “Besides, your fridge can’t be that big.”

“And you even got me two,” Willy said, inspecting the sign with the black kangaroo and the letters reading _next 5 miles_.

“I thought you might wanna share with your cousin,” Jensen said with a shrug. “Jared never brings him anything and he might feel left out.”

“Of getting tacky fridge magnets?” Willy asked.

Jensen gave him an easy grin. “Willy, we both know you love ‘em.”

And Willy threw his head back and bellowed out a loud laugh.

 

In the house, Harley and Sadie were the first to greet him. Jensen took his time to cuddle them before he left his luggage in the foyer and walked through the house and out back.

Jared was sitting on the veranda, reading the paper and having breakfast with Gen.

He looked up when Jensen walked in and Jensen caught a rare expression of surprise on his face.

“Who else do you think the dogs get so excited for?” Jensen asked, mock affronted.

“Chad,” Jared said and slowly put the paper away. “But now that you point it out, they don’t love anyone quite as much as you.”

Jensen grinned and waited for Jared to get up and come to him.

Jared stood and pulled him in, one hand on his hip, one cradling his face and tilting it up for a kiss.

“Hey sweetheart,” he said softly. “This is a surprise.”

“I missed you,” Jensen said and reached for the lapels of Jared’s suit jacket. “And Kelly has exams to study for.”

Then he couldn’t speak anymore because Jared was kissing him thoroughly.

He pulled back when he heard Gen’s heels clicking on the wooden floor. “Jensen, good to see you again,” she said and patted his arm as she walked past. “Jared, I’ll rearrange your schedule, but you’ll have to show up in the office tomorrow.”

Jared’s eyes never left Jensen’s face when he said, “Thanks.”

“And you owe me!” Gen shouted.

Jared was already back to kissing Jensen.

They didn’t make it up to the bedroom the first time; instead they fucked on the living room couch.

“Ugh, I’m gross,” Jensen said afterwards and rubbed his hair.

“Thanks,” Jared said dryly.

Jensen shot him a disgusted look. “I can’t believe you can’t smell that. I just spent twenty-two hours on planes and in airports. I’m filthy. There’s this weird airplane stink all over me.”

Jared pushed his nose behind Jensen’s ear and sniffed exaggeratedly. “Now that you mention it, I do think you need a bath.”

They didn’t use Jared’s giant bathtub often, but every once in a while, the mood struck Jared and then they lounged around in warm bubbly water until their skin started to wrinkle.

This time, Jared pulled Jensen carefully down into his lap and Jensen rode him slowly, the water sloshing around the tub. Neither of them cared that they made a mess of the bathroom.

“Did you have fun with your sister?” Jared asked, when they were submerged and relaxed in the cooling water.

Jensen was lying between Jared’s legs, head on his chest, and enjoyed Jared dragging his fingers up and down Jensen’s arms.

“Yeah.” There had been something nagging at Jensen the whole vacation and Jared was the only one he could talk to about it. Wanted to talk to about it, actually. “She’s changed. A lot, I think.”

“Good or bad?”

“Not sure. She’s brash and impulsive. She still takes school seriously, but she definitely doesn’t mind crossing the line. She’s confident and strong, but it’ll get her in trouble.”

“Why do you think it’ll get her in trouble?” Jared asked.

“Because that’s what happened to me.” Jensen let out harsh laugh. “I see more of myself in her.”

Jared pressed a kiss to Jensen’s temple. “Definitely a good thing.”

Jensen snorted. “Did you not just hear a word I said? About her getting into trouble?”

“And she’ll be able to get out of it again,” Jared said. “She’ll be strong and independent. She won’t take shit from anyone. She’ll be fearless, and she’ll find her way in life.”

For a moment Jensen felt as if he couldn’t breathe. Jared drew him in tighter. “She’ll be smart and mouthy and yeah, she’ll get into trouble, but she’ll always manage to pull herself out. And whoever she deigns to love will be the luckiest guy on earth.”

Jensen drew in a sharp breath. He couldn’t—he didn’t know how to give this up. And Jared didn’t even know. It wasn’t a lie, and yet Jensen was betraying him every day.

Desperately, Jensen turned himself around, caught Jared’s confused eyes, took his face into his hands, and kissed him—kissed him until there was no air left to breathe, until there was nothing in his mind but the slick feeling of Jared’s mouth and his hands like hot brands in the cooling water so tight on Jensen’s skin.

“You okay, baby?” Jared muttered when Jensen finally pulled back, breathing hard.

Jensen still had his grip on Jared’s face and he let his forehead rest against Jared’s. “I know I don’t say it a lot, but I love you. And I don’t ever want to leave.”

Jared kissed him, uncharacteristically soft. “I know, baby.”

“Good,” Jensen said and pulled back. “Now let’s get out of this water. I want you to fuck me through the mattress.”

Jared’s smile went feral. “As you wish, sweetheart.”

 

 

When they went out to meet up with the others for dinner in the evening, a little yellow sign was dangling from Winston’s rearview mirror.

It was sporting the black shape of a crocodile and the letters _no swimming_ written below.

 

**Author's Note:**

> You can come find me on tumblr [here](http://ashtraythief.tumblr.com/).


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